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If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now
By Mary Anne Layden, Ph. D.

Dr. Layden is Director of Education, Center for Cognitive Therapy, Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA; and Director, Social Action Committee for Women's Psychological Health, Philadelphia.

Dr. Layden wrote this statement for Morality in Media on the occasion of the so-called "Erotica USA" trade show which appeared at New York City's Jacob Javits Convention Center in April 1999.

Erotica USA arrives on April 15, 1999 and describes itself as "titillating but not nasty'. As a psychotherapist, this description is confusing. This show promotes of a number of psychiatric disorders and symptoms as if they are normal such as fetishes and sadomasochism. Are they trying to promote psychologically healthy relationships? Hardly! If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now. If the sex industry made us healthy, then those in the sex industry would be the healthiest and have the healthiest relationships. The reality is far from that.

Damage to women which precedes working in the sex industry

Most strippers, as with other women who work in the sex industry, are adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Research indicates the number is between 60%-80%. One study found that 35% of strippers have Multiple Personality Disorder, 55% had Borderline Personality Disorder, and 60% had Major Depressive Episodes, These are severe psychiatric problems and many of them are connected to childhood sexual abuse. These are women who when they were little girls would get into their beds each night and roll themselves into a fetal position and every night he would come in and peel her open. The physical and visual invasion of little girl's bodies damages them psychologically and gives them a psychologically unhealthy view of sexuality. Often as adults they reenact their childhood trauma by working as strippers, Playboy models, and prostitutes. The men who, now as customers, physically and visually invade the adult women's bodies, reenact the role of the perpetrator. These women work in the sex industry because it feels like home.

Damage to women which comes from working in the sex industry

Among strippers, eating disorders are rampant. Many of the women starve, vomit, abuse exercise or laxatives to become the unnatural shape that is demanded of them. Plastic surgery is almost invariably required especially artificial breasts to produce unnaturally large breasts. This surgery is considered a necessity despite the evidence that artificial breasts interfere with mammograms, and are implicated in autoimmune deficiency disorders in the women, and digestive disorders in the babies of the women who have had the surgery.

Strippers are often substance abusers as well; one study found the number to be 40%. Sometimes this is-because they have to numb themselves to be able to do the work they do. Often the consumption of alcohol is required on the job. Strippers who refuse to drink or who refuse to accept drinks from customers can be fired, coerced or threatened by bosses. Even strippers who have told their superiors that they are alcoholics who attend AA meetings are told that they have to drink on the job. Sometimes customers tip the strippers with cocaine. Cocaine addiction is common.

Their personal lives and relationships suffer as well. Women who work in the sex industry have only a 25% chance of making a marriage that will last as long as three years. If the sex industry and pornography made us sexually healthy and improved marriages, one would expected that those most involved would have the healthiest marriages but just the opposite is true. These women often hate men and disparage them. They believe that all men are capable of the attitudes and permission-giving beliefs that allow men to feel entitled to buy the physical and visual invasion of women's bodies. Many strippers say they would never date the men who go to strip clubs because they find these men disgusting. Often the only kind of "dates" that these women make with customers is for prostitution. The hatred of men by strippers is deep and widespread. They describe their inner dialogue while they are stripping and it is virulent hate speech against the customers they pretend to desire. The psychological demand to numb themselves or to cover their disgust for their customers exacts a terrible toll on the strippers.

The job that they do is fraught with dangers and unpleasantry. In one study 100% of the strippers reported some kind of physical or verbal abuse on their jobs. Verbal abuse by customers is extremely common with 91% reporting incidents. They were routinely called degrading names like c--t (52%), w---e (61%), and b---h (85%). Besides the verbal abuse, all endured some type of physical abuse on the job. Despite the fact that it is illegal to touch a stripper, strippers reported that customers grabbed them by the arm (88%), grabbed their breast (73%), or their buttock (91%). Customers at strip clubs often assault the women. Customers pulled their hair (27%), pinched them (58%), slapped them (24%), or bite them (36%). They are often attacked in the str1p club in front of bodyguards and other audience members.

If men would do this to women in public, what would they do to women in private? Strippers are often raped. Strippers have reported that they have been followed home (70%) and have been stalked (42%). The fact that strippers work with bodyguards is evidence to the fact that their fears that this activity causes violence are realistic. Strippers may have bodyguards while they are at work but when they leave, they are as vulnerable as is the rest of the female population. Most women interact with these individuals without the benefit of a bodyguard. All women will have to interact with the strip club patrons who have permission-giving beliefs about the use of women's bodies. Strip club patrons do not apply their beliefs only to women who work in the sex industry. Strippers, having been damaged by their own sexual abuse, now go on to work in an industry that encourages the beliefs that will allow behavior that hurts all women. The unbroken chain of victim and victimizer continues.

Self-esteem damage is invariable in this profession but, because these are survivors of abuse, some of the strippers claim to feel better about themselves by stripping, This level of denial is typical of untreated survivors and addicts. They are so disempowered and so damaged by their early abuse that they have no concept of healthy self-esteem or of self-respect for the human body and spirit. This lack of self-esteem mixed with their unhealthy attitude about sexuality causes them to think that selling their bodies will make them feel better. Many strippers move on to become prostitutes. Much of their thinking and behavior is conceptually similar to the thinking and behavior of other addicts.

Damage to men which comes from involvement in the sex industry

For the man who becomes sex addicted there are an enormous host of problems that could be anticipated. Often the addict anticipates few of the outcomes; denial is a large part of the problem. Research indicates and my clinical practice supports that approximately 40% of sex addicted males will lose their spouse. Severe financial consequences will be suffered by about 59% with some losing all of their savings and earnings. in general, about 27% will either lose their jobs or be demoted. Among professionals who are sex addicted, as many as 40% will lose their professions due to their sexual acting out.

With high-risk sex being so frequent among this group, health concerns are typical. Sexually transmitted diseases range from those that are readily treatable to those that are deadly. The risk of receiving a disease is added to by the risk of transmission to others. In some cases, the disease may be transmitted to sex industry workers but many cases it is transmitted to the non-sex addicted spouse. Family life is frequently disrupted due to abandonment of the wife and children or severe friction if the family stays physically intact. Arrest is always a threat and also destabilizes the family. Suicide is not infrequent. The consequences and the pain caused by this disorder are severe and yet the addict does not stop. This is an indication of the strength of the pull. The life of the sex addict is filled with pain and shame as the downward spiral takes hold.

Substance abuse is common with alcohol, marijuana and cocaine being the most often drugs of choice of the sex addict. Steven Chambers, who treats drug addicts at the Coatesville Veterans' Administration hospital, has described the damage done to his clients by sex and pornography addiction. Those who have drug relapses most frequently relapse because of the sex/pornography addiction through cocaine prostitutes, addicted sex partners, etc.

Sex and pornography addiction has become such a wide spread problem that, with very little publicity, there are now 80 AA-type groups for sex and pornography addiction in the Delaware Valley. In my clinical practice I have found this addiction to be less likely to remit than cocaine addiction and more likely to relapse. Most traditional addiction treatment starts with detoxification to remove the substance (cocaine, alcohol, etc.) from the body. Sex addiction from pornography, whether it is print, video, or live pornography like stripping, produces mental imagery which is permanently implanted in the mind of the user and is scaled in by brain chemistry. This is the first addictive substance for which there is no hope for detoxification.

The minimal user of pornography also shows signs of significant negative impact. The damage to marriage of visual infidelity is massive, Sex addicts often have no conception of healthy sexuality and their partners often end up engaging in degrading behaviors. I often hear complaints from partners who feel degraded by a sex addict who watches pornography during the sex act with them and much worse. The partners of sex addicts are often depressed, low in self-esteern, have eating disorders, and sexual dysfunction brought on by body self consciousness or sexual numbing and who fake their orgasms. The damage caused by the addict is not just to the women with whom they are partners. The damage is also seen in the damage to the general respect of women, inability to be intimate in healthy ways, and inability to interact with women in a professional environment in respectful ways. This encourages sexual harassment on the job.

Pornography is also hate speech about men. The sex industry spreads the myth that male sexuality is viciously narcissistic, predatory and out of control, It is not just strippers who come to think of all men as sexual "pond-scum". This myth about men makes it difficult for women to give men the trust and respect that they are due and damages the image that men have of themselves and of male sexuality.

Damage to the society in general which comes from the sex industry

The level of sexual violence in the society is at epidemic proportions. We are experiencing a sexual holocaust. One in 8 women are raped, 50% of females will be sexually harassed on their jobs. By the time a female in this country is 18 years old, 38% have been sexually molested. We are the most sexually violent nation on earth.

Studies have shown a connection with rape both stranger rape and acquaintance rape. When normal college mates are shown pornography, 50-65% of them then say they would be willing to rape a women if they thought they wouldn't get caught. Males who have committed acquaintance rape are more likely to be frequent readers of sex magazines like Playboy and Hustler. The more sex magazines sold within a state the higher the rape rate.

Studies have found significant changes in beliefs when subjects have been shown pornography. They come to believe that unusual sex behavior even psychiatrically disordered behavior is more common than they thought it was before. This includes behaviors such as having sex with animals and mixing sex with violence. They come to find damaging behavior as more acceptable such as showing pornography to children. They become less negative in their attitudes toward rape and believe that rapists should receive lighter sentences. They have a 50% reduction in their belief that women should be liberated. In one study done in Pennsylvania, Chiefs of Police were polled about the impact of strip clubs on their communities. A majority of police chiefs believed that strip clubs cause crime, that the community does not want them and that the quality of life would be better if they were illegal. In fact, when Oklahoma City closed down 150 porn shops, they had a 26% reduction in rapes.

In the last 12 years I have specialized in the treatment of sexual violence victims and perpetrators. I have not treated one case of sexual violence that did not include pornography. In every case of sibling incest that I have treated, the pornography involved has been sex magazines most often Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler.

Erotica USA wants to continue the cycle of violence and damage. They depend on our silence to continue to make money by hurting people. All of us need to stand up and tell them that they will never have the comfort of our silence again.

INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY STATISTICS

• Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States (Internet Filter Review, 2006).

• Every second, $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography, 28,258 Internet viewers are viewing pornography, 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines, and every 39 minutes, a new pornographic video is made in the United States (Internet Filter Review, 2006).

• The Top Ten Adult Search Requests in 2006 were for: "sex", "adult dating", "adult DVD", "porn", "sex toys", "teen sex", "free sex", "adult sex", "group sex" and "free porn" (Internet Filter Review, 2006).

• Twelve percent of all websites are pornographic websites. There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily pornographic search engine requests (or 25% of total search engine requests) (Internet Filter Review, 2006).

• 79% of youth unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home (Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later, 2006).

• According to comScore Media Metrix, there were 63.4 million unique visitors to adult websites in December of 2005, reaching 37.2% of the Internet audience.

• 79% of youth unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home (Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later, 2006).

• According to comScore Media Metrix, there were 63.4 million unique visitors to adult websites in December of 2005, reaching 37.2% of the Internet audience.

• According to the Florida Family Association, PornCrawler, their specialized software program, identified 20 U.S. companies that accounted for more than 70 percent of 297 million porn links on the Internet.

• By the end of 2004, there were 420 million pages of pornography, and it is believed that the majority of these websites are owned by less than 50 companies (LaRue, Jan. "Obscenity and the First Amendment." Summit on Pornography. Rayburn House Office Building. Room 2322. May 19, 2005).

• The Internet pornography industry generates $12 billion dollars in annual revenue, larger than the combined annual revenues of ABC, NBC, and CBS (Family Safe Media, January 10, 2006, <http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html>).

• The average age of first exposure to Internet porn is 11 (Family Safe Media, December 15, 2005, <http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html>).

• The largest group of viewers of Internet porn is children between ages 12 and 17 (Family Safe Media, December 15, 2005, <http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html>).

• According to comScore Media Metrix, 71.9 million people visited adult sites in August 2005, reaching 42.7 percent of the Internet audience.

• N2H2's database contained 14 million identified pages of pornography in 1998, so the growth to 260 million represents an almost 20-fold increase in just five years (N2H2, 9/23/03).

Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help.

I am a former xxx actress. I got out of the business about two years ago, and totally out of the sex industry in January 2006. I grew up in a Christian home, but I never really felt accepted anywhere.

I started hanging out in the world, and got my first serious boyfriend. I lost my virginity at the age of 18, and a few months later my boyfriend broke up with me.  I was crushed.  I went nuts... it was the beginning of the end. I started dancing when I was 18. I was dabbling here and there with drugs- coke, ecstasy, acid, etc. I met a XXX performer who was feature dancing at the club I worked at. She introduced me to her brother and we started dating. Within 2 weeks I packed up and moved to LA.

I was nervous about being on film at first... she also worked at a legal brothel in Nevada and told me I should try working there 1st... so at the age of 19, I became a prostitute. I worked there for about 9 months and then got into XXX. Over the next 4 years, I did somewhere around 200+ movies. I also escorted all over the country as a porn star escort. Yes, porn stars are prostitues too. I got further and further into drugs and the whole lifestyle. I had a string of boyfriends, each one worse than the last.

I have been hospitalized many times- from being physically abused by men, put into rehab at least 4 times, and even put into the LA County General Hospital by the police for a mandatory psychiatric hold. I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I left LA and went back to the brothel in Nevada. I had to escape my boyfriend and that lifestyle. I went to an outpatient rehab- did methadone for two days and then got on some pills the doctor said I would be on for months. I took them for a day and a half and then quit cold turkey. I spent another 9 months in hell at the brothel - I was in most ways a prisoner there.  I escaped by leaving everything I owned there in January and going to Vegas. I spent a few months in Vegas, then finally came home in April.

I have obviously had angels doing overtime watching out for me the whole time. I O.D.ed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God.
 

Update:
Becca has been attending web design school at Sessions.edu where she is now working very hard to earn a Web Design Foundation Certificate. She is a single mother to a beautiful one year old daughter and is enjoying her new life.
Karly, her real name, says a big THANK YOU to all of you who cared enough to donate to her schooling. She is thankful that people didn't see her as a throw-away person and believed in her enough to reach out to her. She is also thankful to God for saving her out of the porn pit. Becca says, "Life is sweet now."
If you are a porn star and you want help please contact help@thepinkcross.org

Pornography Industry Factoid 2008

Shelley Lubben
CEO and Founder, Pink Cross Foundation

Copyright © 2008 Shelley Lubben
Published: 2008

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Drug Related Deaths in the U.S. Pornography Industry since 1980

2008

Anastasia Blue - Tylenol Overdose/Suicide
Missy - Accidental Prescription Drug Overdose

2007

Haley Paige - Methadone
Chico Wang - Drug Overdose
Danny Dukes - Heroin overdose
Anna Nicole Smith - Drug overdose of sedative mixed with nine other prescription drugs
Danny Roddick - Drug Overdose
Brett Mycles - Heart attack due to Steroids and performance enhancement supplements

2006

Kirby Scott - Drug Overdose
Jon Dough - Drug Overdose

2005

Eva Lux - Heroin overdose
Juliette Jett - Heroin overdose
Chloe Jones - Prescription drug and alcohol overdose
Camilla De Castro - Heroin overdose which led to suicide
Karen Lancaume - Prescription Drug Overdose
Tony Alizzi - Heart Failure due to Drug overdose

2004

Judy - Drug overdose
Rebecca Steele - Died from overdose of Carisoprodol; suffering from AIDS

2003

Paige Summers - Drug overdose from a combination of codeine and oxycodone

2002

Mike Henson - Heroin overdose
Elisa Bridges - Overdose of heroin, methamphetamine, meperidine and alprazolam
Amber Sexxxum - Drug overdose
Elisa Bridges - Drug overdose
Naughtia Childs - Overdose on Acid and threw herself off balcony.

2001

Leo Masters - Heart Failure due to Drug overdose
Christian Murphy - Crystal Meth overdose
Teri Diver - Prescription drug overdose

2000

Kyle McKenna - Prescription drug overdose
Jamoo - Drug overdose
Jon Vincent - Drug overdose
Lolo Ferrari - Prescription drug overdose

1999

Chance Ryder - Prescription drug overdose
David Morris - Drug overdose

1998

J.D. Ram - Heroin overdose
Trinity Loren - Prescription drug overdose

1996

Christian Fox - Drug overdose.
Rene Bond - Cirrhosis of the liver due to apparent alcoholism

1995

Marc Radcliffe - Apparent drug abuse which led to drowning in tub.
Alex Jordan - Drug abuse induced self-inflicted asphyxiation by hanging.

1994

Joey Stefano - Drug overdose of cocaine, morphine, heroin and ketamine
Savannah - Drug addiction which led to self-inflicted gun shot wound

1993

Rod Phillips - Drug overdose and dying from AIDS
Daniel Holt - Drug overdose and suffering from AIDS
Lisa de Leeuw - IV drug user died from AIDS complications due to contamination from needles.

1992

Chanel Price - Drug overdose

1990

Arcadia Lake - Drug overdose
Megan Leigh - Self-inflicted gun shot wound due to drug abuse.

1988

Fred Halsted - Overdose on sleeping pills

1987

Linda Wong - Xanax, Chloral hydrate, and alcohol overdose

1986

Bambi Woods - Apparent drug overdose

1985

Bodil Joensen - Cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism

1984

Shauna Grant - Self-inflicted gunshot wound due to Cocaine addiction.

1982

Jill Munroe - Heroin overdose

1981

Tina Russell - Died from cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism. 

Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help.

Dedicated to all porn actors who died from HIV, suicide, homocide and drug related deaths. Their voices will be heard now.

Pornography Industry Factoid 2008

Shelley Lubben
CEO and Founder, Pink Cross Foundation

Copyright © 2008 Shelley Lubben
Published: 2008

AIDS Related Deaths in the U.S. Pornography Industry since 1985

2007

Tom Howard – 2/27/07
Joe Romero – 10/30/07

2006

Kristian Brooks – 9/07
Brandy Dalton – 8/4/06
Johnny Rey – 1/18/06

2005

Tamara Lee – 2/3/05

2004

Karen Dior  – 08/25/04 

2003

2002

Mason Flynt – 1/4/02
Mike Hensen - 2002

2001

Brett Ford – 12/25/01
Ron Pearson – 12/10/01

2000

Chuck Holmes – 9/9/00

1999

Lisa Melendez – 9/99
Sparky O'Toole – 8/99
ChadDouglas - 1999

1998

Scott O'Hara – 2/18/98
Scorpio – 12/24/98

1997

Kurt Houston - 8/23/97
Chet Thomas - 3/23/97
Matt Gunther – 5/27/97

1996

Richard Locke – 9/25/96
Eric Stone - 12/24/96
Brad Braverman - 1/10/96

1995

Ben Barker - 9/28/95   
Lon Flexx - 9/15/95    
Pierce Daniels - 7/8/95
Jon King - 3/8/95
Chris Burns - 2/26/95
Jason Steele - 2/25/95 
Kip Tyler – 1995
Melchor Diaz – 1995
Joe Simmons -  10/2/95
Steve Kennedy – 1995

1994

Glenn Steers - 9/17/94          
Ed Dinakos - 7/6/94   
Jeff Lawrence - 7/31/94  
Brad Peters - 5/31/94 
Jeremy Scott - 5/28/94
Morelle DeKeigh -1994
Scott Taylor -12/22/94
Zeff Ryan - 1/94
Steve Taylor - 1994

1993

Clint Lockner - 6/17/93
Luc Colton - 5/18/93   
Lei Lani -1993  
Lisa de Leeuw - 11/11/93
Tyler Regan -10/93
Paul Pellettieri -10/93
Scott Bond - 10/29/93
Craig Markle – 10/93
Rod Phillips - 6/7/93
Peter Waves - 1993

1992

Keith Ardent - 9/9/92
Jake Corbin - 9/27/92
Al Parker - 8/17/92
Glenn Dime - 8/12/92 
Roy Garret - 4/3/92
Tim Kramer -   4/15/92
Lucky Luc - 3/2/92
T.R. Witomski – 1992
Jimmy Cricket – 9/17/92
Harris Harold Gates Jr. – 10/26/91 

1991

Chris Williams - 9/11/91        
Darryl Weld - 7/24/91 
Lee Ryder - 7/10/91   
Frank Vickers - 2/24/91        
Bill Harrison - 10/18/91
Buster – 2/10/91
Christopher Rage – 4/24/91
Keith Anthoni – 7/22/91
David Alan "Lance" Reis – 5/26/91
Joel Christopher – 12/19/91

1990

Chris Ladd - 11/14/90
Tony Bravo – 7/25/90
Steve Kreig - 9/13/90
Nick Elliot – 1990
Bill Henson – 1990
Lou Thomas - 1/7/90

1989

Marc Stevens – 89
Phillip "Luke" Wagner - 6/20/89
Johnny Dawes - 7/25/89
Rydar Hansen – 10/18/89

1988

John Holmes – 3/13/88
Jim Ed Thompson – 1988
Jim Moore – 1988
Jesse Kohler – 1988
Eric Stryker – 1988
Kyle Hazzard – 1/6/88 

1987

Casey Donovan – 8/10/87
Bob Shane – 7/87
Arthur Bressan, Jr.- 1987
Steve Scott – 9/12/87

1986

Joey Yale – 4/18/86
J.W. King – 1986
Beau Matthews – 7/20/86
Mike Davis – 1/19/86
Jeremy Brent – 4/22/86

1985

Lee Richards – 1985
Wade Nichols – 1/28/85
Val Martin – 4/13/85

Unknown D.O.D.

Nick Rodgers
Tex Anthony
Dave Connors
Bosch Wagner
Steve Loignon

On behalf of over 100 lost human lives above Shelley Lubben asks you to please stop viewing porn and contributing to the tragic deaths of women and men in the porn industry.

Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help.

Dedicated to all porn actors who died from HIV, suicide, homocide and drug related deaths. Their voices will be heard now.

Pornography Industry Factoid 2008

Shelley Lubben
CEO and Founder, Pink Cross Foundation

Copyright © 2008 Shelley Lubben
Published: 2008

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Suicide Deaths in the U.S. Pornography Industry since 1970 

Photo	Actor Name	Cause of Death
	Anastasia Blue	Tylenol overdose/suicide July 19, 2008
	Kent North	Drug overdose/suicide July 4, 2007
	Chico Wang Porn Director and Porn Actor	Drug overdose/suicide September 29, 2007
	Jon Dough	August 27, 2006, in Chatsworth, California of suicide by hanging
	Tim Barnett	Suicide by hanging – July 13, 2005
	Lance Heywood	Jumped off a building – April 29, 2005
	Karen Lancaume	Drug overdose/suicide – January 28, 2005
	Camilla De Castro	Drug overdose/suicide – July 26, 2005
	Johnny Rahm	Suicide by hanging – November 7, 2004
	Jay Anthony	Method unknown – November 7, 2004
	Naughtia Childs	Jumped off balcony – January 7, 2002
	Mark DeBoy	Method unknown – September 1, 2000
	Jon Vincent	Drug overdose/suicide – May 3, 2000
	Brad Chase	Suicide by hanging – April 19, 2000
	Kyle McKenna	Drug overdose/suicide – March 14, 2000
	Wendy O. Williams	Self-inflicted gunshot wound – April 7, 1998
	Steve Fox	Suffered from mental illness and committed suicide October 23, 1997
	Christian Fox	Left suicide note and overdosed on drugs October, 1996
	Alex Jordan	Suicide by hanging – July 2, 1995
	Joel Curry	Method unknown – October 2, 1995
	Cal Jammer	Self-inflicted gunshot wound - January 25, 1995
	Savannah	Self-inflicted gunshot wound – July 11, 1994
	Rod Phillips	Drug overdose/suicide  as he lay dying of AIDS – June 7, 1993
	Celia Young	Method unknown - 1992
	Nancee Kellee	Daughter of actor Jerry Van Dyke self-inflicted asphyxiation by hanging – November, 1991
	Alan Lambert	Self-inflicted gunshot wound - December, 1992
	Megan Leigh	Self-inflicted gunshot wound – June 16, 1990
	Kristine Heller	Method unknown - 1989
	Kyle Carrington	Method unknown - 1989
	Shauna Grant	Self-inflicted gunshot wound - March 23, 1984
	British porn star Mary Millington	Method uknown - August 19, 1979
	Melba Bruce	Method uknown - 1977
	Claudia Fielers	Method and date unknown.
	Lynn Tars	Method and date unknown.
	Andy Mantegna	Method and date unknown.
	Susanna Britton	Method and date unknown.
Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help. Dedicated to all porn actors who died from HIV, suicide, homocide and drug related deaths. Their voices will be heard now.

by Shelley Lubben,  Former Porn Actress

Sex-packed porn films featuring freshly-dyed blondes whose evocative eyes say "I want you" is quite possibly one of the greatest deceptions of all time. Trust me, I know. I did it all the time and I did it for the lust of power and the love of money. I never liked sex. I never wanted sex, and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to "fake it" with. That's right, none of us freshly-dyed blondes like doing porn. In fact, we hate it. We hate being touched by strangers who care nothing about us. We hate being degraded with their foul smells and sweaty bodies. Some women hate it so much they can be heard vomiting in the bathroom between scenes. Others can be found outside smoking an endless chain of Marlboro lights…

But the porn industry wants YOU to think we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth, porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again. Yes, we made the choice. Some of us needed the money. But we were manipulated and coerced and even threatened. Some of us caught HIV as a result of that coercion. I personally caught Herpes, a non-curable sexually transmitted disease. Another porn actress went home after a long night of numbing her pain and put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger. Now she's dead.

It's safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn't grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they've experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. So we were taught at a young age that sex made us valuable. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive as we perform our tricks in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We're traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of you who continue to abuse us.

As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Every time there's an HIV scare we race to the nearest clinic for an emergency checkup. Pornographers insist on giving viewers the fantasy sex they demand all the while sacrificing the very ones who make it happen. In other words, no condoms allowed. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and other diseases are the normal anxieties we walk around with daily. We get tested monthly but we know testing isn't prevention. Besides worrying about catching diseases from porn sex, there are other harmful activities we engage in that are also very dangerous. Some of us have had physical tearing and damage to internal body parts.

When porn actresses call it a day and head home we attempt to have normal healthy relationships, but some of our boyfriends get jealous and physically abuse us. So instead we marry our porn directors, while others prefer lesbian relationships. It's a real memory making moment when our daughter accidentally walks out and sees mommy kissing another girl. My daughter will vouch for that one.

On our days off we walk around like zombies with a beer in one hand and a shot of whiskey in the other. We aren't up to cleaning so we live in filth most of the time, or we hire a sweet foreign lady to come in and clean up our mess. Porn actresses aren't the best cooks either. Ordering in is normal for us and most of the time we throw up after we eat because we're bulimic.

For porn actresses who have children, we are the world's worst mothers. We yell and scream and hit our kids for no reason. Most of the time we are intoxicated or high, and our four year olds are the ones picking us up off the floor. When clients come over for sex, we lock our children in their rooms and tell them to be quiet. I used to give my daughter a beeper and tell her to wait at the park until I was finished.

The truth is there is no fantasy in porn. It's all a lie. A closer look into the scenes of a porn star's life will show you a movie that the porn industry doesn't want you to see. The real truth is we porn actresses want to end the shame and trauma of our lives but we can't do it alone. We need you men to fight for our freedom and give us back our honor. We need you to hold us in your strong arms while we sob tears over our deep wounds and begin to heal. We want you throw out our movies and help piece together the shattered fragments of our lives. We need you to pray for us so God will hear and repair our ruined lives.

So don't believe the lie anymore. Porn is nothing more than fake sex and lies on videotape. Trust me, I know.

Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help.

Dedicated to all porn actors who died from HIV, suicide, homocide and drug related deaths. Their voices will be heard now.

Former Porn Star Sierra Sinn

I’m a former porn actress who did over 200 movies. I grew up in Pittsburgh and started stripping there while in school. I saw porn stars stripping and thought it was glamorous and thought it was an easy way to fame and fortune. 

So, I got an agent and he set up my first scenes in California leaving my daughter behind with family.

I got paid $800 for my first scene that took 4-6 hoours to shoot, which I found out was an average time for a shoot.

My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time. I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling. They lied and told me they would stop but rough scenes with women are good footage they said.

The scenes you see in porn aren’t fun at all and certainly doesn’t fee good at all. You just d it. They don’t care about no matter how big in porn you are. To be blunt, shooting a scene is not easy for the girls. It’s not enjoyable. It’s not a great time. Girls are getting hurt. It’s emotionally and physically trying. If you knew what people were going through, you wuldn’t like it as much. You wuldn’t watch it if you had to see everything. It’s just brutal sex t make porn companies rich.
Even though a lot of girls use drugs, the only thing I used was weed mostly to get through it. Drugs are huge. If porn is so great, why do people need Xanax, Vicodin, pot, and alcohol to do it? Because it’s painful. It’s unnatural since it isn’t intimacy at all and the guys use Viagra. They are huge but use it to stay hard for those 4-6 hours of a shoot.

The money you make goes right back into prn. You dn’t realize it but it does for tanning, nails, basically trying to look pretty when you are anything but inside. That’s why women who leave porn leave with nothing.

Sierra Sinn was in over 200 movies and left with nothing.

I left the “glamorous” porn life in June, 2007. It’s hard for me to be loved, be intimate at all. Porn hurt me physically but also hurt me inside. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want my heart to hurt anymore. I even thought I was a lesbian for a while. I have a boyfriend now; it’s hard for us, trying to put it all behind me. I feel guilt; I’m so jaded. I want t g back to Pittsburgh and be with my daughter and am working on starting a clothing line. I believe in Jesus and believe God is pulling me out. – Sierra Sinn
     
Sierra Sinn Update May 2008: 

As most of you know Julie, formerly known as Sierra Sinn, left porn on June 20, 2007 and after one year of working VERY hard to rebuild her life, she returned home to her family where she reunited with her parents and her five year old daughter!

Thanks to many of you who donated to her recovery and a lot of help from God, Pink Cross Foundation was able to assist Julie this past year in her recovery and one year later we were able to help pack up her stuff and send her home to her family in May, 2008!

Just look at how happy she is as she drives across country to go back home:

She says she KNOWS Jesus Christ has helped her and done many miracles in her life.

Thank you sincerely for donating to the Pink Cross Foundation and helping Julie and other women like her rebuild their lives and live the amazing life they were created to live! Please consider giving to the Pink Cross Foundation so we can continue to help women leave porn and rebuild their lives.

We have about two women coming to us a week who want out of porn and we do not receive enough donations to help them all. Thank you so much for caring!

Read below past updates of Julie's progress:

*Update from September, 2007: In just a few months Julie has been able to walk away from the porn industry, found a new place to live and went out and got a great job that offers full benefits!!! She still has a ways to go but look how far she's come in such a short time!

That took HUGE amounts of courage not to mention she is willing to her use her life story to help others. Most girls want to hide when they leave the sex industry but not Julie. She is determined to help others learn the truth about porn and God is blessing her BIG TIME for it!

She is especially thankful to God because she KNOWS God is the one who faithfully stood by her and opened doors for her as she took her first courageous steps to rebuild her life.

Julie writes to Shelley:

Thank you for restoring my faith Shelley and showing me the Way. You have helped me more than you know. I love you and look up to you. I hope that one day I can help people too! – Julie, former porn star Sierra Sinn

To leave encouraging comments for Julie please visit her myspace.

Former Porn Star Jersey Jaxin

I met Jersey Jaxin in the summer of 2007 where she shared her painful story with me. She spoke about many sad things in her life from sexual abuse from her father to the abuse she went through in the porn industry. 

She made me cry during our meeting quite a bit but especially when I asked her what she did in her off time when she wasn't doing porn and she replied, "I hold my roommate and we just cry".

That TOTALLY messed me up when I heard it. Two months later this precious woman calls me and says, "Guess what Shelley, I've left porn for good!"

It totally blew me away and I knew it was God!

She allowed me to tape our conversation and you can listen to us talk here about how she left porn and the abuse she experienced in the porn industry. I want you all to hear and know the truth from the very mouths of the women who make porn. I want you to know that there IS NO FANTASY in porn and that women suffer abuse and degradation EVERY SINGLE DAY! Tanya will definitely make sure you understand that in her interview. She is very outspoken about the evils of porn. 

She wants you to know that Jersey Jaxin is now dead and that her real name is Tanya and that it's time for Tanya to be the person that God meant her to be. She even cleaned up her myspace to show her fans and all of us that she is serious and is never going back to porn.

Please visit her myspace and leave her encouraging comments as this will really bless her and give her strength to rebuild her life. I am so thankful for all of you because God is using you powerfully to encourage and strengthen women who leave the porn industry. Just look at how well Sierra Sinn and Becca Brat and others are doing because people like YOU really care. Please pray for Tanya as she still has a very long and hard recovery ahead of her. She is facing some challenges but I know with your prayers, the Lord will see her through. Thank you for caring about women trapped in porn.

Tanya’s Story

I’m a former XXX actress and was called “one of the smallest, youngest and cutest porn stars in the business. I’m 4’11, really short and weigh in the 90’s. I’ve starred mostly in “teen” porn, which means fans liked me because I looked “barely legal”. I left porn in September, 2007.

My life can be summed up in one word: ABUSE!

The porn industry was a shock. My first two scenes I didn’t know what to do. I just stabilized and went along with what everyone else was doing. After that, I was like, throw me in I’m ready to go.
Tanya did 20 scenes in her first month.

My scenes involved extreme videos with very hard sex acts with several performers at the same time.

“I’m just tired of the industry. The way they treat you as though we are just a piece of meat. That we don’t have a mind and our body is everybody’s and we have no soul.”
Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending. You’re viewed as an object and not as a human with a spirit. People don’t care. People do drugs because they can’t deal with the way they are being treated.

Seventy five percent and rising are using drugs. Have to numb themselves. There are specific doctors in this industry that if you go in for a common cold they’ll give you Vicodin, Viagra, anything you want because all they care about is the money. You are a number. You’re bruised. You have black eyes. You’re ripped. You’re torn. You have your insides coming out. It’s not pretty and foofoo on set. You get hurt.

The main thing going around now is crystal meth, cocaine and heroin. You have to numb yourself to go on set. The more you work, the more you have to numb yourself. The more you become addicted, the more your personal life is nothing but drugs. Your whole life becomes nothing but porn.

I was a drinker. I drank a lot. Vodka was my drug. Vodka was my numbing toy. Before sets, after sets, and if it was a set where people didn’t care, they’d have it there waiting.

You may see a 45-minute set that took us 13 hours. We’re ripped, we’re tired, we’re sore, we’re bleeding, we’re cut up, we have dried semen all over our faces from numerous guys and we can’t wash it off because they want to take pictures. You have this stuff all over you and they’re telling you, “Hold it.” It is never straight flowing sex.

Four words girls can say are: Stop, Halt, Pain and Don’t. “You can say anything you want and they don’t’ listen”. There’s the ultimate thing where you squeeze their leg to ease up and most of them don’t care. They have another scene to go to. It’s all about the money. They’ve forgotten who they are and they don’t care who they are hurting.

I’m on the road right now heading to a different life. I’m going to try to make it as a normal person because I’m done. You have no soul in the porn industry. – Jersey Jaxin
 

My real name is April and I was raised in Southern California by a single mother, who struggled with severe depression as far back as I can remember. She was a wonderful woman, but extremely troubled, and though she raised me to the best of her ability, she dealt with many issues from her past, which continued to haunt her until she died of breast cancer in 1992.

All throughout my childhood, she refused discuss much of her past with me, nor would she discuss things related to sex. She told me the basics, and that was about it. I had to research many things on my own, which led to me having a very distorted view of sex.

She treated sex as something dirty, and refused to address any questions that I had. I remember having to look up things in the encyclopedia, and talking about things with my friends.

Not only that, but there were many other things that she would refused to discuss with me, even though they happened in front of my very eyes. For example, when I was 7 years old, I remember eating dinner at Denny's with her one evening. We were at the front of the restaurant, and I remember a man stumbled in, with blood gushing out from his chest, and a knife sticking out of his back. He made eye contact with me, said "I'm wounded," and fell to the floor. I remember many people rushing to his aid, and my mother praying vehemently for him at the table. When I asked what had happened, she replied "Don't think about it. Don't look. Just eat your supper. Just don't pay any attention," so I did what she said. She never discussed the incident with me any further, nor did I ask her to.

Aside from her, I had virtually NO CONTACT with my mother's side of the family, as they all lived in England and South Africa, where she was raised. I had very little contact with my dad, who lived in Missouri at the time. I would go to visit him for 2 months during the summer, but that was about it. This went on from the time I was 5 until I was 13. He was a very cold and intimidating man. I don't ever remember him telling me that he loved me, but I remember very well the excessive drinking and belt-whippings. He was usually well-composed, but on the occasions he did get drunk, his temper was frightening. Basically, I HATED going to visit him, and remember calling my mother crying because I wanted to come home.

Most of his family was very nice, but I never made a connection with any of them. I was basically an outsider, and hated being there. Most of them paid me little attention, but I remember one uncle who took a special interest in me. At the time, I enjoyed the attention, because he seemed to make up for what my father lacked. I remember several instances when I was very young, and I would be taking a bath, he would come into the bathroom, and sit down by the tub and talk with me. I don't remember much about those incidents…just that he would be very playful and openly-friendly. I also remember becoming intimidated by him after a while, but because I was afraid of my dad, I wouldn't really talk to him about it.

I vaguely remember these times, and I had my suspicions, which were confirmed when I was 13. I was talking to my friend about how I was afraid of the dark, but when I masturbated at night, it would give me a sense of comfort, and would help me fall asleep.

I explained to her that I wasn't sure why…I just thought it was an odd quirk that I had. She then told me that when I was 7 years old, I was crying to her one day and told her that an uncle had "touched me" while I was in the bathtub. I told her I had no recollection of this, and she was shocked, as was I. Shortly thereafter, my mother called my father and told him that I wouldn't be coming to visit anymore.

From that point on, I had no contact with my dad. It was just myself and my mom. Then, when I was 14, my worst nightmare came true. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She spent most of her time after that in and out of hospitals, and I was basically on my own from that point forward, both emotionally and physically. She would spend weeks at a time in the hospital, and, besides a friend who came to stay with me every once in a while, I was basically alone in the house. I became very depressed, but had no one to talk to. No one on my dad's side of the family knew that my mom was sick, and because I knew that she did not want them to know, I never tried to make contact. Basically, I was completely alone. I remember one Christmas in particular when my mom was in the hospital. I remember decorating the tree, and crying over my loneliness. I had no one to talk to, and begun slipping into a deep depression. I never talked to anyone about my feelings, because my mom had always raised me not to bother anyone with my problems. So I didn't. The fact that I was so consumed with my mother's illness left me with little interest in sex. I remember becoming obsessed with a few guys, but they were all celebrities, and I remember becoming fixated on them to the point of continual obsession. I had no desire to date, though, because I was too concerned with my own problems.

When my mom WAS home, she would lock herself in her room, reading her Bible, and would barely talk to me. I understood that she was going through a lot of pain, so I left her alone. I was always reclusive, but became even more so when this happened.

I became anorexic and isolated, and even when I was at my lowest weight of 99 lbs., no one ever seemed to care, or approached me about it. I would later learn that several people approached my mother, but she told them to mind their own business. By the grace of God, I never had to seek treatment, because I came to the realization that I would die if this continued.

Throughout the time my mom was sick, I used my schoolwork as an escape from all of my problems, so I was able to hold decent grades. I graduated high school early, with honors, and worked a job until I went to college. Because I was raised in a Christian home, I majored in religious studies, not so much because I wanted to, but because this was something that my mom wanted. Even in college, I was reclusive, and made very few friends. I remember several guys showing an interest in me, but because of my situation at home, and the fact that I had been so sheltered by my mom (she never talked to me about guys, and wouldn't let me date until I was 18), I had little interest in dating. I LOVED men, and I loved the attention that I got from them, but I had no interest in dating them, or having sex. One day, my mom asked me point blank if I was a lesbian, because I didn't have a boyfriend. She wanted me to start dating, but at this point, I had no interest.

The summer after my first year in college, a friend of mine introduced me to speed. I had never done drugs before, and was immediately hooked. I went into it with a vengeance, and took it in mass quantities whenever I could. Not only did it keep my weight down, but it provided a powerful escape from the crap that was going on in my life. I loved it, and continued on in it, even after returning to school. I was able to hide my habit very well, though, so no one suspected. I convinced myself that it was all under my control, and didn't have a problem. I was very good at deceiving myself like that. I figured that I didn't need a man, because I had the drug.

Then, during my junior year in college, I met the man who would be my husband. He was funny, smart, and outgoing, which immediately attracted me to him, because I was such an introvert. He was very unemotional, though, and very unaffectionate, just like my dad. At the time, this wasn't a huge deal to me, because I was used to feeling unloved. I never had much affection from a man growing up, and this was no different. We dated for about 6 months, then he asked me to marry him. By this time, my mother was near death, so I agreed….not so much because I loved him, but because I was so desperately afraid of being alone. I felt very unlovable, and was happy that someone as funny and outgoing as him would even want to marry me. By this point, I pretty much hated myself, and wasn't sure if anyone else would ever love me. I figured that this may be my one chance for marriage, or a fulfilling life, so I took it. I figured that, even if I was unhappy, at least I wouldn't be alone.

On my wedding day, I almost backed out, but I went through with it, anyway. Everyone was so supportive, that I thought I was doing the right thing. As our marriage progressed, he became more distant and cold. The sex lacked any love or affection, and from the start, I hated it. It was basically just me putting everything I had into pleasing him, so that I could get it over with. I never had an orgasm. He didn't care. As long as he was being pleased, it didn't matter what was going on with me.

For me, sex was just an act that I did to keep my end of the marital bargain. It was physically painful, and emotionally draining. Not only that, but I was absolutely petrified of having oral sex performed on me. It was pure psychological torture for me. I never understood why, but for some reason, the whole thing scared me. When he attempted, I would have strange thoughts of him torturing or biting me and I could not control them. I tried many times, but every time we tried, I had to make him stop, because the fear was just too much for me to handle. I knew that he resented me for it, and I hated myself, but I just could not bring myself to allow him to do this.

The marriage became increasingly cold, and after a while, it started becoming abusive. I remember one time in particular where he threw me against the wall SO HARD that the cops were called. Several times, he pushed me so hard that I got massive bruises, and one time in particular, I remember him holding me against the wall by my throat. Each time, I convinced myself that it was my fault, and that I needed to be a better wife.

When I was 22, a year after we got married, my mother passed away. This was especially hard on me, and was really hoping for my husband's support. Throughout the ordeal, he was very cold and unemotional. I remember sobbing during the funeral service, and putting my head on his shoulder. I was really hoping for some support, but he just sat there, and did nothing to comfort me. All he did was talk about the life insurance policy that she left me. I was devastated, because if I couldn't confide in him, who COULD I confide in?!

The night of my mother's funeral I spent with my friend, getting wired on speed and sucking up the grief that I felt. I knew that my husband couldn't support or comfort me, so I refused to grieve.

Throughout the marriage, he went from job to job, and refused to stick with any job that didn't fulfill him the way he thought it should. In 1994, I joined the Navy in an effort to hold the marriage together. From this point forward, I became the major breadwinner. In the military, I found myself getting attention from numerous guys, and I fed off of it. After a while, I engaged in an affair, which to this day, I regret immensely. My husband had his suspicions, and eventually confronted me. I told him the truth, and he was devastated. I felt lower than low, but for some reason, he wanted to stay married. I couldn't really understand why, but from that point on, the marriage became pretty much devoid of any love or affection. We got along, but that was about it.

For a while, the physical abuse stopped, and I was sure that things would get better. They didn't. We were in constant financial turmoil, and it seemed that nothing I could do pleased him. I did all I could to satisfy him sexually, but I always seemed to come up short. We rarely had sex, and when we did, it consisted of him sitting back while I pleased him. There was no foreplay, no effort on his part,  and he continually reminded me how unsatisfactory I was. He started convincing me that, in order to make up where I lacked, we needed to play around with other couples, and for a while, I refused. It seemed completely unthinkable that my husband had to go to other women, but he continued to nag me about this, and eventually, out of guilt and frustration, I gave in. I thought that I owed it to him, because I was so horrible in bed. We started going to sex clubs, and he noticed the attention that I got from other men. We eventually met up with a woman who was a stripper, who convinced me that I "had the look" to be very successful stripping.

At first, I refused, but my husband convinced me that it was a great idea. I hated the idea of having to parade myself in front of a bunch of strangers, but the fact that complete strangers would pay to see me dance sort of intrigued me. I figured that if my husband could see that other men found me that attractive, he would appreciate me more as a wife.

I got a job at a very upscale club in San Francisco. I hated every minute of it, but I kept it up, because I was convinced I was being a good wife. I felt completely worthless, and good-for-nothing, and though I acted like I loved every minute of it, I hated myself, and the men who came to see me. I kept going, because I thought that I might be able to earn his love back, and he was more than happy every night when I gave him the money I made. Just knowing that he was happy made me feel a little bit better, but I still felt like a complete joke of a wife.

After I just couldn't take it anymore, I told him that I was quitting. He wasn't happy, but eventually, he gave in. I got a regular job, and things were okay for a while. We had a child, and I thought that things would work out after that. I was completely wrong.

A few months after I stopped stripping, my husband started getting into porn. At first I objected, because that was the last thing I wanted in my life, but he convinced me that because I was inadequate, that was the only way he could get off while we were having sex, so I allowed it. Our sex life was as dull and loveless as ever, and consisted of me pleasing him sexually while he watched porn, and when he was near ejaculation, he would force himself on me like a dog. That was our sex life, and I HATED having sex. I knew that pleasing him was my wifely duty, though, so I allowed it.

Our sex life never got any better, and he became more and more consumed with porn. When we weren't having sex, he would go to the bathroom with his porn magazines, and masturbate while I was in the other room. I hated the fact that I couldn't satisfy my husband, but after a while, I just didn't care anymore.

Eventually, he started telling me that, because I was so hot, I could make a lot of money doing porn. We could barely make ends meet, and he said that he was doing it for the both of us. He eventually sent my picture in to a number of production companies, and I accrued a lot of interest. I got a lot of responses, and he insisted that I could make so much money doing porn. He said he'd be my manager, and that he'd take care of everything. At first, I really didn't take him seriously, but after a while I knew that he was serious. I told him that it was a really stupid idea, but he just kept nagging. I could never say no to him before, and this was no different. I eventually got tired of hearing the guilt trips, and figured that it couldn't be much worse than what I'd already done. Boy, was I wrong.

When I agreed, we moved to Southern California, and my first meeting was with a "freelance producer" who was a complete scumbag. I knew nothing about the industry, and he convinced me that I had to "show him how good I was," so I agreed to let him film me while we "did it" on his bed. It was filthy and disgusting, just like the rest of his wrecked apartment. At this point, I didn't care about anything, so I just said yes and got it over with. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I felt like a complete and total prostitute, but the worst thing of all was knowing that I was so worthless to my husband, that he would agree to whore me out like that.

My husband thought it was great, but I didn't get any work, so he sent my picture to a bunch of producers, and we hooked up with a web designer, who designed a site for me, but I had to have sex with him in order for him to do it for free. Of course, I said yes, and this was my first "movie" experience. I immediately started getting work, and did whatever I could to make money.

All the while I was making movies, I started slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I hated having sex, but thought it was no big deal because it was for purely "professional" reasons.

I didn't know anything about the porn industry, but I learned quickly. 

Most of the videos were filmed in very upscale homes, but the conditions were filthy. Not all of the videos I did were sex videos, but even the fetish videos were gross and unsanitary. If I was doing a peeing video, I'd pee right on the ground. I remember in one video, one girl actually peed on the roof of the house. If the girl couldn't pee, we'd have to wait around until she could, no matter how bad we had to go. If we urinated before it was our time, the whole shoot was ruined, and we'd forfeit our pay for that day.

For masturbation videos, unsanitized sex toys were offered as props. On set, if a girl was having reservations, or second thoughts, the producers would become very belligerent. I remember during one particular production, this girl, who was new to porn, came with her boyfriend. She couldn't have been any older than 19 or 20. When it was time for her scene, she said she wasn't sure she wanted to do it. She was very distraught, and nervous, but the producers and her boyfriend just kept egging her on. They told her how sexy she was, and eventually became very irate, telling her how she shouldn't be there wasting their time if she wasn't serious. Most producers have absolutely no patience with the girls, even though being on set is a very traumatizing experience. There is no room for compassion in the porn industry.

Anal scenes were the worst!!! Anal sex is stressful enough, but having to stop and start and switch angles is murder, and it's not uncommon to lose bowel control. It's disgusting, and extremely humiliating. All you can do is try to put the experience out of your mind, but you never really can.

Production was murder. I would have to wait for hours on set until it was finally time for my scene. While I was waiting, I would sometimes go outside and get high with the other girls. The porn industry makes a big deal about the performers not using drugs, but it is all a lie. Marijuana was almost always available on set, either from the other performers, or the crew; not only that, but if I had access to it, before production, I would smoke as much meth as I could because it was easier to tolerate the hardcore sex when I was wired. The porn industry doesn't require drug tests, so I could pretty much be on whatever I wanted when I was filming. As long as we showed up, the producers didn't care WHAT we were on.

Everyone in the industry was required to take monthly HIV tests, but we were not tested for anything else. It was not uncommon for me to get a yeast infection, or even a bladder infection. When I told one of the other girls about it, she informed me that it was no big deal, and showed me a way to hide my infection so I could continue working. I worked several times with yeast infections, but no one knew. It was disgusting and unsafe, but my husband didn't care, and at this point, neither did I. I figured that if I got an infection, I deserved it. As long as I was bringing in the money, anything was alright with him. Not only that, but when I had a bladder infection, sex hurt horribly!!! Most of the time, I couldn't urinate without it completely burning.

Every film that I made was a total and complete lie. I put up a real good front, but the truth was, I despised having sex. At this point, though, it was just my job, and I had to perform the best I could in order to get the work. The sluttier I acted, the better. I was a really good actress, though, and acted like I was having the time of my life.

While I performed with several male performers, I would look into the camera and say how much I loved performing sex acts. Then, I couldn't wait for the money shot, because that meant that it was almost time to leave. I felt absolutely degraded by being there, but I figured that it would only last for a few hours, and I could be on my way. Every movie I made, my husband was there, chatting with the other performers and the photographers. They hated him. They would call him my "suitcase pimp," and make fun of him behind his back. One producer in particular told me that I could make a lot more movies if he wasn't involved. He was the only reason I was degrading myself in the first place, though, so that wasn't going to happen.

I would tell people how much I loved having sex, and how much of a slut I was. I told one interviewer that I grew up in a Christian background, yet I had this voracious sexual appetite that just couldn't be repressed. That was the farthest thing from the truth.

Sex, for me, was something I did because I had to, and I hated EVERY minute of it. I remember being in this big "casting call" with tons of other girls. We would bring our pictures, and tell the producers what we would and wouldn't do, but because I just didn't give a crap anymore, I told them I would do anything. For the most part, I did anything they wanted…I had no reservations. I absolutely HATED myself for doing it, but I figured that I was so far-gone, nothing mattered anymore.

Not only that, but while I was in porn, my sex life with my husband got even worse. Even before porn, we rarely had sex….but it became almost non-existent once I started making videos. On the rare occasions we DID have sex, it was usually anal, and we always had to have a porn video on in order for him to become aroused. It was very cold and impersonal, and I dreaded every moment. I felt like a robot, subhuman, just going through the motions.

I started slipping even deeper into depression, until one day, I just couldn't take it. I told my husband that I refused to do anymore porn, and that he would have to deal with it. He was furious. He slapped me, and basically told me I was ruining everything. He couldn't really do anything about it, though, because I refused to do any more work, so he just gave up. He insisted that I do more to please him sexually. I told him that the only way I could get off was to smoke meth and pot. Before this, he was completely opposed to drugs, but because he really wanted me to be a sexual animal, he gave in. He started buying me speed and pot, and I used it whenever I could.

He continued to watch porn, and told me he really wished I would go back into the industry. I thought everything would be okay after I quit porn, but it wasn't. I remained in my depression, and eventually started cutting myself. I hated who I was, and the life that I'd made for myself. I had reached my lowest point, and told myself how much of a slut I was, and that I deserved every slice of the blade.

I did this for a while, and hid it well, until my husband finally caught me one day. He totally freaked out, and I was admitted into a psychiatric ward. I slept for 2 days straight, and was prescribed everything from wellbutrin to lithium. I was diagnosed as manic-depressive, and was kept for several days. During this time, my husband called my estranged dad and told him what a basket-case his daughter was. After a few days, I was released, but I was still depressed. About a year later, my husband kicked me out of the house, and filed for divorce. I was basically homeless.

I went to stay with a friend, and I continued doing meth. I had no home, no family, and my life was completely empty. I contemplated suicide several times, but never went through with it, because I was afraid of the repercussions. I went back to school, and managed to land a decent job, but I was ordered not to have one-on-one contact with my daughter, because of my psychiatric illness. I was considered a danger to her, so the court issued a restraining order. I was told that the only way I could see her was through supervised visitations, but even then, my husband made it impossible for me to have any contact with her.

I eventually had to move from my apartment into a veteran's community, where I met a man whom I fell madly in love with. Throughout the entire relationship, he was abusive. I made the mistake of telling him about my past involvement in pornography, and he told me that he would be able to deal with it, because he was so madly in love with me. That never happened.

He was an alcoholic, and beat me on a regular basis. I remember having to go to work on several occasions with my face tore up and a black eye. I financially supported him, though, which is why he continued in the relationship. He was an alcoholic, and was physically and verbally abusive. He convinced me that no man could ever love me with a past like mine, and that he was doing me a favor by loving me. I was convinced that he was right.

On one occasion, he took me to a park and brutally raped me. He was arrested, but the charges were dropped. A year and a half, I continued to love him, and to try to make it work. Then, one morning, it all came to a head. He came home drunk and belligerent, after a long night of gambling. He proceeded to beat me severely, kicking me in the back, in the face, and telling me what a whore I was. He said that I was a total slut, and that I deserved all of it. Then, at the height of his rage, he put his fingers inside of my mouth and pulled so hard that he tore my mouth open. I was bleeding profusely. He then pushed my face into a pillow and proceeded to asphyxiate me. It was at this point that I cried out to the Lord in desperation, and said "If you have any mercy on me, Lord, send your angels to protect me." At that precise moment, he stopped. I was in shock. I thought for sure I would die that day. Then, he proceeded to drug me with seroquel, so that I couldn't leave and tell anyone about the incident. I fought to stay awake, but the sedative was too powerful.  The following morning, I left, and never came back.

Once again, I was homeless. I went to stay with a friend, and once again got involved in meth. I spent my days either wired, or coming down. I knew that I wanted to return to God, but my spirit had been so broken, and I thought I had become too far-gone, for Him to love me like I needed to be loved. I desperately needed to be loved, but I had no one, so I continued in my meth habit for 3 months, until my friend and I got into a huge argument. She kicked me out, and I was once again homeless. I slept in my vehicle for 2 months, while I saved up for an apartment. By this time, I was in the pit of my despair. I started to seek the Lord, but I felt so unworthy, and didn't know how to ask for His help. I figured that if He loved me, He would help me, even if I didn't specifically ask.

I finally got an apartment, but I was so depressed, and my life was so devoid of joy, that I felt completely hopeless. I had no one, and nothing, and I continued in my meth habit. I was completely alone, completely depressed, and completely strung-out. How on EARTH could God save a wretch like me?

Then, it happened. The job that I had involved a lot of driving, and I stumbled upon a Christian radio station that featured sermons by different preachers. Many of the messages spoke straight to my heart, and they talked a lot about Christ's love, and the hopelessness of life. Slowly, Christ started speaking to me through these ministers, and showing me that, despite everything I'd done, and the pit that I was in, Christ's love was powerful enough to overcome it all, if I would just come to Him with a sincere heart and a willingness to change. For someone like me, this was a message of unimaginable hope and deliverance. I felt God speaking to my heart, and I felt His love overcome me like never before. I had NO IDEA that that kind of love even existed. For so many years, I felt that no one could truly love me. I felt that I was so trapped in depression and self-loathing that I was a hopeless case. Everyone in my life had let me down, and it seemed unfathomable to me that there was a Savior out there who would never leave me nor forsake me.

I was so riddled with guilt over my past, that God's love just seemed too far-removed from me. I was emotionally dead, and internally exhausted. To think that the love of Christ could breathe new hope into me just seemed impossible.

I had been raised in the church, and had studied the Bible before, so I knew the kind of God that He was. I knew that He was a God who was faithful to His promises, but for me, those promises just seemed out of my reach. I had sunk so low, and I couldn't fathom that the same God who worked such miracles in the Old Testament, and sent His only Son to die on the cross, wanted to have fellowship with me. But even then, I knew that He was real, and that it couldn't hurt to gibe Him a try. What a shock I was in for!!!

From the moment that I came to Him, He made me feel so loved, and so special, that it totally shattered the image I had built up for myself. I knew that I could be saved, but I thought that I was way to far-gone to enjoy any sort of a relationship with Him. I was amazed to learn that God WANTED a relationship with me, and that He wanted to break down those walls so that I could love Him with all of my heart and soul.

I have been saved for about 8 months now, and since then, God has NEVER failed me…not even once. He has transformed me into a beautiful new creature, and I am filled with more love and joy than I could possibly have imagined.
I praise my Savior every day for rescuing me from the pit that I dug for myself. I still get depressed from time to time, but this depression is no match for the love and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has showed me what it really means to live, and to love.

He has brought me from porn and depression into a beautiful new life of love and service, and I thank Him every day for His goodness and mercy.

To leave encouraging comments for April please visit her myspace.

I was born in Indiana and raised in both Indiana and Colorado. My parents got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade and my father was never really around my whole life. At the age of 14 I had lost my virginity to the boy next door while living in Indiana with my mom and step dad. The boy broke my heart so I ran away from home not too long after.

The state of Indiana took over pretty quickly and I was in and out of foster homes and children's homes etc. from age 14 until about 17 years old. My Mom was always physically and mentally ill and my step Dad was elderly and not able to take care of me. So the state became my mother and father now. I didn't really have the guidance I needed my whole teen life to make it in the adult world. I hung out with other troubled kids. Some were worse than me. I was very promiscuous all through junior high and high school thinking that it was ok to have sex with anyone I wanted any time I wanted. The boys loved me. The girls hated me. I wanted to feel loved, accepted, and needed attention. I learned at my young age that I could use my body to get things that I wanted or needed from men. At only 15 years old, I hitch-hiked to Florida from Indiana to see a boy I liked on my own and was raped by a truck driver old enough to be my father. It was a horrible situation and I thought that this was all I was good for in life. Sex. The men and boys seemed to like it and I loved the attention.

At age 17, I came to live in Colorado again with my mother and stepfather. As soon as I turned 18 I was out of there. No longer a ward of the state, I was free to do what I wanted and be an "adult" Thinking I was grown up, I went to Denver to live on my own. I hadn't even finished high school yet. I wanted to be in radio and TV production which never happened. I stayed in a small studio apartment with my older sister. I was introduced to parties, drugs, and worst of all, stripping. I watched my sister come home with her friend with a duffle bag full of one dollar bills. They wore sexy clothes and it looked like fun and easy money. I said, "I could do that"  and I started out dancing at an all nude club downtown that would hire you if you were 18. This place was a real dive. I would then move on to doing private parties then prostitution and it all seemed the same to me.

I remember one of the worst times I had sex for money, I had a customer that wanted me to have anal sex and he forced me into it. He raped me. I went to the police and the hospital but they didn't help me because I was a prostitute.  I turned to drugs to help me deal with the pain.

I continued making money and I was able to get my own place. I didn't even have to go to school. I would work, make money, party and do whatever I wanted. I thought I was having the time of my life. I forgot about school, or a regular job and my future. I never thought I would make it to the age of 30 the way I was living so I didn't care. I was sure I would be dead by then.   

Someone suggested that I get into porn movies. He said he knew a guy and could get me started. After meeting with the man, he took pictures of me and I was in my first scene right away right in a hotel in Denver. My first scene I was really nervous and scared. I was also very naïve and I didn't know how the whole porn thing worked. I was booked to do a scene with a woman and I had to act like I had done that before.

When the camera started rolling I was trying to cope with having my first lesbian experience when all of the sudden, two men entered the scene who I didn't know I would be filming with. I was so traumatized that I just blocked out everything. I just checked out and became Veronica Lain, the porn star.

After the scene I really felt I had done something bad and I hated myself.

The next thing I knew, I was in Las Vegas at a porn convention signing autographs and posing with fans. I wasn't even famous but yet they made me feel like I was and it hooked me even more. I did some more movies in Las Vegas and did not sleep much at all. I wasn't even old enough to gamble. You can make a porn movie in Vegas but you can't gamble or drink. That's just wrong.

It was all so overwhelming for me so I came back to Colorado but I ended up going to the convention 2 more times again. I loved the attention and by then I was jaded and use to the whole porn world. I continued to work in Colorado doing, movies, parties, prostitution, photos. Yes Porn Stars are also prostitutes! Anything and everything that had to with sex work I did it. I learned to depend on men to take care of me. I wanted a father so much. I was young and loved the attention and money. Porn was not "glamorous" though. I definitely did some things I did not want to do. I saw girls gagged and choked on the set during filming. I was one of those girls who was gagged and choked. I also saw empty douches and enema boxes laying around. I also met women who couldn't work because of STD's. I was treated like meat and saw other women going through the same, or worse. I would stay up and party all night on drugs. I wasn't even old enough to drink.

At about 20 years old, I flew out to Los Angeles and stayed for a month and a half in Hollywood! Wow, I was a real "porn star" now. Everything seemed pretty great up until I started getting terrible abdomen pains so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. I was so sick that I went to a clinic and found out I had several bacterial infections and Chlamydia all at the same time! The medicine made me throw up and I hated it. I came back home to Colorado and decided to work at a topless bar for about 2 years to get away from porn. I also started drinking heavily. I was trying to kill the pain with alcohol and pot daily. I went back to prostitution and I turned tricks out of my apartment. I risked my life over and over and tried to quit many times. I tried to get regular jobs here and there. I wanted out so bad. But I pretty much did sex work off and on from the time I was 18 until age 32. The money was always there and I didn't know anything else.

I moved to another town and hoped to settle down and get some normalcy in my life. I lost my job and went back to prostitution. I soon met a man who became my regular customer and thought if I married him I would get out of prostitution. I wanted love and a family that I never had. I believed I would be out of the business forever after this.(yeah right) I was happy for a while until I realized that I didn't get out of the sex business, I had married it. He was a porn addict and probably seeing hookers on the side. I became very unhappy, suicidal, gained weight, became depressed, and had to get on anti-depressants and counseling. We divorced after about 2 years and I was on my own again but now I had a child to take care of too. I started getting into old habits and went back to prostitution. I still didn't know anything else but selling my body, soul and mind. I desperately wanted out but didn't know how to do it.

Today, I am at the end of that life. Thanks to the lord I am finding strength to find a way out of the sex industry. I feel so tired. I've been in a long time. I feel older than I really am. I started at 18 years old and today I am 32 going on 60.

I finally have hope because recently I have found other women like me who have suffered in the sex industry but yet have changed their lives for the better.  Shelley Lubben is one of them and I recently found her myspace which really gave me hope.  Please visit her myspace to learn the truth about porn and get help. My faith in God was renewed and I am on my way to being the healthy, smart, strong, mother that I was meant to be. I would rather be homeless than sell my body ever again. I am priceless. I am a human being. Not an object put here to be used by men. The sex industry has changed my life. Now that I look back, I was a young innocent child that had to take care of herself any way she could. If I could help one young girl like that with my story, I think that would be wonderful. I want to help young girls like me and keep them from going through what I went through in the sex industry. The sex industry ruined my life and I know it will take years to heal my broken heart.

I hope to inspire young girls to get an education, stay away from drugs and the sex industry and really think about their future. When do you quit the sex work? When you are 30, 50? Or maybe when it finally kills you like it has many other men and women. I want people to know the truth about the horrible sex industry. I start here, with me and my past. The sex industry got me nowhere in life but destroyed everything in my life. But I know God is bigger than the sex industry and will heal my life and use my story to hopefully inspire many.

To leave encouraging comments for Jenni please visit her myspace.

I started in the porn industry back in 2003 when I was 19. It started with me doing a little nude modeling here and there, then it progressed into internet work and then I met an "agent". It all went downhill from there. The money was great for a 19 year old! But I didn't enjoy being on set and feeling degraded.

I loved the attention from everyone but now that I look back, that's not the kind of attention I deserved. But, I was young, naive, motivated by the money and the "fame". It was easy for an agent to take advantage of me, and many did.

Over the course of my porn career I have been belittled and treated like a piece of trash more than I could have ever imagined in a lifetime I would. I wasn't a woman in any of these directors eyes, I was nothing to them. The male talent at times were nice, but sometimes, they were horrible. I've had men choke me, slap me, thrust me so hard until I couldn't walk and this would happen even after I would tell them to stop. They have no respect for women.

There were always drugs and we would binge on Ecstasy, Cocaine, Marijuana, Valium, Vicodin and alcohol. I thank God I am even still here! I also did "escorting" in the porn industry for agencies where we were sent to Las Vegas to do "privates". I also know agents who lie to the girls and tell them they are shooting a scene when instead they set up prostitution acts for them.

I have cried and screamed and almost lost it at times because of this horrible industry. I have now been on Lexapro since January because I dropped to 85 lbs and it was from all the stress and anxiety from this business. I am now back up to 103 lbs and feeling better, but it's going to be a long time until I fully recover. It sucks you in and is hard to get out, but once you do it... it's the greatest feeling ever. Although it's an extremely difficult and uphill battle, I know I'll be okay. The industry is infected with drugs and disease. I have had multiple tests come back positive for Chlamydia and gonorrhea. My so-called friends and ex introduced me to a variety of drugs and we were on a 6 month binge. All my money went to partying and my car got repoed, I got evicted, had run-ins with the police, almost lost my contract and lost touch with my family. I almost always had to be "messed up" on set to get through it. I look back and it makes me sick because that is not the person my dad raised me to be.

I am so grateful for my son because I got pregnant and that's what made me stop partying! I was in a relationship with a Kris Slater who is also in the industry and I thought everything was great until he started getting really controlling and abusing me. He would choke me, throw me around and verbally abuse me. I thought things would get better but it continued for 3 years. I had him arrested twice and the second time, this last February was the last time I was ever going to let him do that again. He threw chairs at our son and I was not going to let anything happen to him. There is now a restraining order and I have temporary full custody and am going to fight until the end for my son to have a loving and peaceful upbringing.

My worst scene I have ever been through was the one I did when I was pregnant. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to get over. It makes me so mad that the father of my baby and ex Kris Slater would even support that and let me do it. He should have been a man and helped out!

Although, I'm very angry and hurt, I am finally learning to love again and let someone into my life after being numb for so long. When I was shooting I was blocking all emotion and it was effecting my personal relationships with everyone. I had no "real" sex life and was showed no affection because I was used to doing the motions of something fake.

formerly pornstar Erin Moore